In Which Tsuna Wonders Why This is His Life
by quillquate
Summary: Tsuna thinks that Ienari and his Guardians are scary. Luckily, he has his older brother who will always keep the peace of Namimori.
1. Chapter 1

Everyone agrees that you do _not_ mess with Hibari Tsunayoshi, no matter how useless he is. It is well known in Namimori that if you mess with Tsuna, you also draw the attention of Hibari Kyouya. And _no one_ wants that.

It is unknown how Sawada Tsunayoshi became a Hibari. Some speculate that Tsuna is a long-lost relative, others disagree and say that Nana had enough of Tsuna and sent him off, keeping Ienari for her own. There was one boy who said that Tsuna is the heir to the mafia throne and was shipped off to the Hibari's for training, but how likely was that?

XXXXXXXXXX

"The herbivores are destroying my territory," Kyouya snarls darkly, " _again._ "

"Aniki," Tsuna sighs tiredly. "Could you stop them? The repair bills are getting really high. We're going to have to start another fundraiser soon if this continues." Silence. "...Aniki?" Tsuna looks up from his mountain load of papers and sees a black jacket fluttering out of sight as its owner jumps out the window. Tsuna lets his head hit his desk with a _thump_.

Nami-chuu is a school where explosions (courtesy of Gokudera Hayato) and weapons in plain sight are considered normal. Also, Ienari running around in boxers. Yeah.

 _Why is this my life?_ Tsuna bemoans.

This all started two months ago. Before that, Ienari was perfectly normal (other than the fact he was a total _douche_ ) with average grades and a high number of friends. Then, something happened and chaos became a daily part of Namimori life. According to Kusakabe-san, Ienari had gained a baby(?) tutor who is the devil in disguise. Tsuna couldn't deny that he felt relieved he moved out of the Sawada household five years ago.

Who knows, maybe it could've been _him_ running around in boxers instead of his (douche) twin brother.

Contrary to popular belief, Tsuna is not a long-lost relative or was not booted out by Nana. He isn't even going to get _started_ on the one about his apparent mafia heritage. (Ha. As if that's even possible. Although that would explain the gunshots he heard over the phone call with his good-for-nothing dad.)

It's actually kind of stupid how Tsuna became a Hibari. Basically, the Hibari matriarch heard that he was eating lunch with Aniki (who wasn't Aniki at the time) and squealed about how her "cute little Kyou-chan finally had a friend!" and immediately filed adoption papers. Nana forgot about his existence regularly and Ienari was all too happy to see him gone, so there was no resistance at all.

Never let it be said that Hibari Miyu is sane.

Or has anything resembling common sense.

She's way better than Nana in terms of child-care, though. And Aniki is the best brother one could possibly have.

Deep, deep, _deep_ down inside of Tsuna's heart, he is happy that he ended up with the Hibari family.

Don't tell them that, though. They'll get an even bigger head.

* * *

 **A/N:** May or may not continue this. This is just a plot bunny that wandered into my head at night.


	2. Chapter 2

Tsuna is worried. It's eleven o'clock, and Kyouya isn't home. If anything, he can always be counted on for being punctual, but…

People had been getting beaten up for the past couple of weeks. First, it had been random people from the Disciplinary Committee (thankfully, Tsuna had been left alone). Then, the students themselves had been attacked. Kyouya traced the origin to Kokuyo Land and had left to apprehend the perpetrator.

It's been eight hours since he left.

And he _knows_ it's stupid because Kyouya is the strongest person who lives in Namimori, but something is tugging at his intuition like something is about to go wrong (or already went wrong). He stares outside his window, willing Kyouya to come back home safely.

 _Tomorrow,_ he promises himself. _If he doesn't come home by then, I'll go to Kokuyo Land myself._

For now, Tsuna will focus on defeating the worst enemy known to man, otherwise known as paperwork.

XXXXXXXXXX

"..." Tsuna stares down the hole where glass is shattered and dashes of blood are on the ground. For some reason, he sees a broken baseball bat as well. Tsuna sighs and begins to lower himself carefully down before slipping. Thankfully, he remembers to curl into a ball to minimize the damage.

It looks like Tsuna is off to a _great_ start.

(That was sarcasm.)

After wandering around for fifteen minutes, Tsuna begins to hear explosions and yells. Another five minutes and Tsuna is standing in front of Gokudera and two other Kokuyo students (judging from their uniforms). Gokudera looks like he's been dragged through a paper shredder, with bleeding cuts all over his body while the pair closes in on him. Tsuna backs away slowly. _Should I help?_ He fingers his taser that always rests in his pocket and draws it out slowly.

He would have to shock both of them quickly enough so they didn't see him coming. Tsuna really wants to run away, but his conscience can't leave Gokudera alone like that, so he inches forward. Step by step. The silver-haired boy's eyes widen as he catches sight of Tsuna's fluffy brown hair. Tsuna presses a finger to his lips. Gokudera inclines his head ever so slightly.

Okay. He can do this. He prays that he doesn't trip over his own two feet and lunges forward, taser sparking. The pair whirl around to face him, and their frenzied eyes meet his.

 _Zap._

Two bodies slump to the floor, shirt charred. Tsuna lets his taser clatter to the ground. Gokudera looks at the bodies and looks back up at Tsuna's unassuming form and breathes out with awe laced in his voice, "That was amazing."

Tsuna blushes and says bashfully, "It wasn't that big of a deal." Gokudera looks ready to argue, but then they both hear a faint melody coming behind a wall. A very familiar melody that everyone who goes to Namimori knows.

"Is that..." Gokudera's brow furrows in concentration, straining to hear. "Hibari?" A grunt of affirmation is all Tsuna needs and he rushes to the wall (more like a pile of rubble), inspecting it carefully. He notices a discarded tonfa lying farther away.

"Back away, Tsunayoshi-sama!" Gokudera shouts suddenly. Tsuna turns around to see- _holy crap those are dynamites._ Tsuna lets out a long shriek and backpedals away quickly. He flings the lit dynamite and-

Kyouya is sitting on the ground, accompanied by a yellow bird who is still singing their school song. Kyouya also looks murderous. That is... not good. "Bunny. Why are you here."

Tsuna fidgets around nervously. He doesn't respond, instead choosing to hand over Kyouya's lone tonfa. Surprisingly, Gokudera comes to his defense with a "don't harass Tsunayoshi-sama!" and what the hell, since when did that start?

"You can just call me Tsuna, Gokudera-san," Tsuna says uncomfortably.

" _Bunny_."

"Nonsense! You just saved my life!" Gokudera insists and then hesitates. "I'll call you that if you call me by my first name," he offers, and it's not the worst offer out there so Tsuna takes it.

"Thank you, Hayato-san," Tsuna says, relieved. He knows that he probably has a death wish by ignoring Kyouya, but he really doesn't want to deal with it right now. It turns out Tsuna doesn't have a choice when he feels himself be lifted up by the collar of his jacket (Kyouya is fond of doing that whenever he's annoyed with him. It's irritating, to say the least). "I was just worried about you, Aniki!" he protests. "It's been more than a day, so…" he trails off. He wiggles his feet, trying to contact the ground, but with no avail.

Kyouya clicks his tongue. He begins walking towards where Tsuna could hear clanging and a voice that suspiciously sounds like Ienari in a bad mood. "Wait, Aniki, where are we going?" he cries out, feet still dangling in the air. Kyouya nods his head toward the noises. _Nononono._ "Can't we go somewhere safer?" he asks weakly.

"Yeah! Tsuna-sama's-" (Tsuna nearly cries when he hears the added honorific) "safety comes first!" Gokudera says, shaking a fist at Kyouya. Naturally, he ignores him and goes on his merry way, with Tsuna's collar in one hand and tonfas in the other. Gokudera huffs angrily

When they arrive at the battle scene, Tsuna had already resigned himself to his fate. He sees Ienari flaming(?) in his boxers (it's sad that this is a regular sight nowadays) and a boy with purple hair styled into a pineapple shape. Farther to the right is a baby with curly sideburns who is eyeing the intense battle with interest.

The battle itself is going poorly; Ienari is getting thoroughly thrashed by Pineapple. Tsuna looks up to see Kyouya bare his teeth. He is set down semi-gently next to Gokudera who immediately fusses over him like a mother hen.

And then Kyouya leaps into battle.

This...is probably the first time Tsuna has ever seen Kyouya go up against an opponent just as strong as himself. Pineapple lets out an ominous laugh and blocks him with ease. "Kufufufu, you came back," Pineapple purrs (disturbingly). "But I'm afraid you won't be on your feet for a moment longer." He snaps his fingers and sakura trees appear. _What? How is- what is happening?_ Tsuna's mind reels and he can almost feel it breaking down.

This is all forgotten when he sees Kyouya stumble and fall to the ground on his knees. "Aniki!" he screams, leaping to his feet. He bats off Gokudera who tries to restrain him and _runs_. Ienari looks at him in shock and starts to open his mouth only to close it.

"Oh? The almighty Hibari Kyouya has a little brother?" Pineapple takes in Tsuna's trembling form as he stands in front Kyouya, arms flung out. With closer observation, Tsuna discovers that one of Pineapple's eyes is _red with a number imprinted on it._

But...Tsuna can see confusion and sadness and helplessness swirling in complicated patterns as well. It's too much for him to take. Tsuna averts his eyes to the ground.

"Tch. Stupid bunny, you're in my way." All of a sudden, Kyouya is in front of him and drives a tonfa into Pineapple's stomach. Pineapple falls to the ground.

"I thought you-"

"I'm fine," Kyouya says curtly.

It's all too much. Tsuna faints.

XXXXXXXXXX

Tsuna wakes up to talking. He opens his eyes and sees three cloaked figures in black. Pineapple and the other two who had attacked Gokudera are bound tightly in chains. "-they will live all of their life in Vendicare, the mafia prison. They will be given punishment as seen fit-"

"You can't do that!" Tsuna slurs, his mind still fuzzy from sleep. "They're only," He yawns loudly at this point, "kids!" Blond-Animal-Kid lets out a stream of muffles, presumably along the lines of, "I'm not a kid!"

"Hibari Tsunayoshi, formerly known as Sawada Tsunayoshi," one of the figures intones, voice echoing.

There's a squawk from Gokudera's direction. "You're that bastard's _brother_!"

"That's my name," Tsuna says warily, completely ignoring the bomber.

"Rokudo Mukuro, Kakimoto Chikusa, and Joshima Ken are to be sent to Vendicare," another says. "We will not be changing that fact."

" _Yes, you will._ They can't be that much older than me, but you're sending them off to some jail with a life sentence!" Tsuna is surprising himself constantly today, he never thought that he could work up the courage to speak his mind fully. "I won't accept that!"

"Kufufu," Pineapple (Mukuro?) laughs through the chains. "Dear Sky, your words will change nothing." _Sky?_ Out of the corner of his eye, Tsuna sees the baby stiffen in shock.

"Don't talk to him, pineapple," Kyouya remarks darkly, stepping in front of Tsuna. (He isn't very surprised to learn that they share a common naming sense.) Mukuro looks mortally offended.

"What if we do an exchange?" Tsuna asks. "Like...I'll give you something you want and you let those three free?"

"What could we possibly want from you?"

"I don't know, what do you want?" Tsuna says truthfully. For some reason, the three look slightly surprised when he says this.

"Your Flames are quite pure," one of them observes. _Since when did fire come into this?_ "Very well. Give us some of your Flames for an experiment, and we shall let your...friends go."

"...What _are_ these Flames you keep on talking about?" he questions in a small voice. A bony arm beckons Tsuna to him. Hesitantly, he shuffles closer. Kyouya watches him unnervingly but doesn't stop him.

"The hell are you doing, Dame-Tsuna?" Ienari (honestly, Tsuna totally forgot about him) demands. The baby kicks him in the head with amazing strength and knocks his (douche) twin out.

A cold hand is placed on Tsuna's forehead. He feels something stir in the core of his being, something warm. It flows out of him in fiery bursts and for the second time that day, Tsuna faints.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Tsuna-sama!" is what he is greeted with when Tsuna comes to. He blinks and sees green eyes shimmering with tears right up in his face. He blanches and tries to sink deeper into his pillow. "I was so worried!" Gokudera blubbers, backing away. _Thank God for small miracles,_ Tsuna thinks.

"Is everyone okay?" Tsuna asks.

Gokudera chews his lip thoughtfully. "Well, Hibari's already out of the hospital. Ienari and Mochida are still healing up."

 _I don't give a jack about Ienari or Mochida,_ Tsuna wants to say, but he's (unfortunately) too nice to say that, so instead he goes, "That's nice. What about Pine- I mean, Mukuro and the rest?"

"I'm not too sure why you went so far for a couple of strangers," Gokudera says, giving him a measuring look. He brightens up a few seconds later with, "Tsuna-sama is so kind!"

"Please, just call me Tsuna," he begs half-heartedly. Of course, he's ignored. "And of course I helped them, they're just a couple of teenagers. And…" _Their eyes seemed so sad._ "So? How are they?"

"They're fine," he replies dismissively. "They're at your house."

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Well, the Vindice told us that you had full responsibility for them. D-don't worry, Tsuna-sama! I'll make sure they don't corrupt you!"

"That's nice," Tsuna says weakly.

XXXXXXXXXX

When he's discharged from the hospital, he finds that no, it isn't nice at all. Kyouya and Mukuro seem incapable of getting along outside of physical violence, which is what they're doing now. Ken and Chikusa (Tsuna learned their names from Gokudera) can be seen through the windows, gobbling down the feast that the Hibari matriarch, Miyu, had prepared for everyone. He'll have to stop this quickly if Tsuna wants any of that food for himself. "Stop!" he shouts, hands cupping his mouth. Miraculously, they listen to him.

"You're awake," Kyouya says, pleasantly surprised.

"I must thank you for saving me, Tsunayoshi." Mukuro lets his illusions disappear with a flick of his hand. Tsuna lets it go without questions, with all these things happening, he wouldn't be surprised if a flying unicorn goes soaring above the skies. "Indeed, I'm quite grateful, except there is something I don't understand. Why would you save someone you barely know?"

"Well, wouldn't you do the same?" Tsuna asks, trying to dodge the question because there is no way in hell he'll say some emotional crap about his "eyes being sad."

"No," Mukuro replies flatly. "I would let them suffer in a dank prison cell. Their wellbeing is of no concern to me."

Well then.

...Is he the only one in Namimori that actually has a conscience?

"So?" Mukuro prompts.

"Look, a cow!" he yells, pointing randomly at the sky.

His eyes narrow. "Tsunayoshi, I am not a child and therefore will not be tricked by such-"

 _Thump._

Kyouya picks up the thing that slammed into Mukuro's head. _Wait, it's a kid!_ Tsuna realizes. The kid has a bushy afro with a cow-print suit. His green eyes widen and immediately starts to tear up. Tsuna panicks and hurriedly snatches him away from Kyouya's grasp because he's pretty sure the kid started crying because of his fierce glare. "Who are you?" Kyouya demands.

"I-I am Lambo from the Bovino family!" he introduces himself, sniffling loudly. "I'm five-years-old and I l-love grape candy! Reborn is a jerk!"

"You're the annoying herbivore that stays with the other herbivore," Kyouya states. At Lambo's confused yet watery look, he elaborates, "Sawada Ienari."

Lambo bursts out in sobs again. "L-Lambo is being replaced!" he wails. "Reborn said that _I_ was going to be the Lightning Guardian!" _Where did that come from?_

Mukuro sneers, "You? A Guardian? Don't make me laugh. You're far too young to even consider such a high-maintenance job." Tsuna sends a desperate look towards the purple-haired boy, violently shushing him. Even _he_ knows that's the wrong thing to say and he has the social ability of a rock! Mukuro just smirks and shakes his head like he's saying, _well, what can you do? It's the truth!_

Tsuna awkwardly rocks Lambo, trying to discreetly wipe away the snot from his shirt. "There, there..? Why don't you tell onii-san what's wrong?" Inwardly, he winces at his horrible attempt at comforting a child. He is so not cut out for this.

"Stupid Ienari says that _Mochida_ is going to be his Lightning, not me! And Reborn promised that I would so I could bring fame and fortune to the Bovino family! _Everyone_ knows the Vongola, so everyone would know me, right?"

 _Okay. So my (douche) brother is involved in something weird, not that I'm surprised. I never did think that Ienari would get a respectable job like a doctor. So, the Bovino family...a family of bodyguards maybe? Maybe Ienari inherited some sort of fortune and needs someone to watch over him? But that doesn't make sense, why would someone hire a five-year-old for that? And why is he talking about the weather? I mean, Lightning?_

"I'm sure that everything's going to work out in the end," he tries, patting Lambo's head.

Lambo stares up at him. "Are you stupid? That only happens in fairytales!" Tsuna's heart breaks just a little bit after being insulted by a five-year-old.

"Well, everything worked out with him, didn't it?" Tsuna replies helplessly, waving a hand towards Mukuro's direction, who had taken to entertaining himself by conjuring gory scenes that look like they belong in a horror movie. Kyouya looks fascinated, no matter how much he tries to hide it. Oddly enough, Lambo doesn't seem fazed at all.

"I guess," Lambo says doubtfully. "Thanks, Stranger-nii!" He bounds out of Tsuna's arms and goes dashing off into the streets. "Byee~!"

And just like that, the cow child is gone.

"What if he gets run over?" Tsuna says in horror.

Mukuro says lazily, "You'll find that people like him don't die very easily. He'll be fine."

" _He's five!"_

* * *

 **A/N:** Enjoy this for now, remember, I update when I feel like it so don't be surprised if I don't update for a month or something ahaha. And for the person who wondered why Nana easily gave up her parent...ship?-, Miyu may or may not have utilized her Mist Flames to convince her. (Kyouya inherited his Cloud Flames from his father _who is not dead._ )


	3. Chapter 3

_Three months later_

"Tsu-chan!" Miyu trills from the living room. "Be a dear and start dinner, will you?"

"Yes, Miyu-san," Tsuna replies half-heartedly. She had insisted on him calling her by her first name, so he has reluctantly started using it. Or else he'll suffer through her suffocating glomps.

"How was your day?" she asks, flipping through a magazine.

"Hayato-san blew up the east wing of the school." Tsuna turns on the stove. "I think Yamamoto-san broke a window with a baseball. Oh, can't forget Ienari stripping to his underwear, _again_."

"Hmm," Miyu hums disinterestedly. "By the way, Mukuro-kun wanted to tell you that he and his friends are going to Kokuyo Land again."

"'Kay." Truthfully, Tsuna could care less what they do in their free time as long as it doesn't involve blood being shed everywhere. It's mostly wishful thinking, though. Tsuna only hopes that they don't get caught by the police because that means bailing them out of jail.

The front door clatters open as Kyouya steps into the house. He silently sweeps by Tsuna and up the stairs to do whatever the hell Kyouya does in his spare time. Tsuna never bothers dropping in Kyouya's room. The last time he did, Tsuna was greeted with a dictionary to the face.

One hour later, all six of them were seated and ready to eat. It took a bit of convincing for Kyouya to come down and eat with family, but it was done in the end. Mukuro, Ken, and Chikusa were also eating with varying degrees in manners. Miyu kept on insisting that they "look too skinny, come on, eat more!" and handed them seconds, thirds, and so on.

Their mostly peaceful (because Mukuro plus Kyouya in the same room equals chaos) dinner is interrupted when a baby who suspiciously looks like Ienari's tutor lands in his miso soup. "Ciaossu!" a squeaky voice says. By the time the word came out of the baby's mouth, Tsuna had backed a good meter away while still seated in his chair. Kyouya regards the baby (didn't he have a name?) with a piercing glare. The Kokuyo trio look strangely tense.

"Do you need something?" Tsuna asks, still pressed up against the wall. The chameleon seated on the baby's shoulder stares at him eerily. He barely manages to repress a shudder.

"Of course he needs something, do you think an Arcobaleno came here to smell the roses?" Ken snarks, eyeing the baby warily.

"The roses wilted from your stink, what on earth are you talking about?" Chikusa murmurs into his napkin. Mukuro chuckles but doesn't stop staring intensely at the baby.

"My name is Reborn, the world's best hitman. I have something to request of Hibari Kyouya."

Kyouya's expression changes by a fraction. "What do you want." Tsuna winces instinctively, mourning at his bluntness. And wait, did the baby just say that he's a _hitman?_ Tsuna wants to bang his head on the wall and hope that this is all just a dream, but of course it isn't, because someone up there hates him with burning passion. Miyu places a cookie jar on the table quietly.

"Be Ienari's Cloud Guardian," Reborn (what a weird name, _wait,_ didn't Lambo say something about a Reborn?) says with equal bluntness. "We need one for the Ring Battles with the Varia, and you're a perfect fit."

"I refuse," Kyouya shoots back. "I only follow those I respect. I do not respect that herbivore."

"Even if I say that there will be powerful opponents?" Tsuna's head is about to burst with confusion. Cloud Guardian? Ring Battles? _Varia?_ And exactly how is Ienari involved in all of this? Does Ienari really have some type of inheritance?

"I refuse," Kyouya repeats after glancing at Tsuna lightning-quick. Tsuna just looks at him like a deer caught in headlights. "I do not betray family."

Mukuro whispers something that sounds like _looks like Kyou-chan is a big marshmallow_. Chopsticks go flying towards his head. Mukuro just laughs that creepy laugh of his and leans back in his chair, smoothly dodging it. "Nice try, Kyou-chan," he chides mockingly. Kyouya looks like he wants to scream but instead grits his teeth and says, "Don't call me that, you Barney reject."

Reborn's expression turns stormy, at being rejected or being ignored, Tsuna didn't really know. Nevertheless, his intuition screams danger and he falls out of his chair. The tension is broken as Reborn (and everyone else in the room) shows amusement openly at his clumsiness.

"I'm going to take a shower," Tsuna says cautiously, inching towards the stairwell. He can feel his face burning from embarrassment. "OkaybyehopeIneverseeyouagain." He bolts up the stairs and slams the bathroom door.

He hates his life so much that he can't even.

Meanwhile, Miyu sips her tea serenely while the Kokuyo trio stuff themselves full with cookies.

At least M.M. didn't drop by for a visit. Tsuna swears that she has a bottomless hole for a stomach.

XXXXXXXXXX

When Tsuna comes back downstairs, Reborn is locked in a staring contest with Kyouya. The Kokuyo trio is gone and out of sight. Probably to hang around Kokuyo Land and sell Miyu's godly cookies on the black market.

Tsuna starts heading back up, but Kyouya grabs his shirt collar before he can flee and sends a look that practically screams "you're going down with me."

Tsuna has gotten very proficient in reading the language of Hibari, he thinks.

Reborn peers at him, scrutinizing him closely. "Hmm...did you know that you can take the title of Vongola Decimo from Ienari if you wanted to? You _are_ older than him, after all."

"Only by ten minutes," he mumbles. The last thing he wants is to get involved in this complicated mess. It's bad enough that his twin and brother are caught up in this as it is. Honestly, he could care less what this Vongola Decimo is "...Can I leave?"

"No," Kyouya and Reborn say simultaneously. Kyouya tightens his grip on Tsuna.

 _Damn it._

"I assume you're confused as to what's happening," Reborn says. "I'm not supposed to tell you because Iemitsu insisted on "protecting his Tuna-fish," but you're going to get involved anyway if you're in the Disciplinary Committee. Besides, I never liked him anyways." _What a petty reason to go against orders!_ Tsuna thinks disbelievingly. _Still, it would be kind of nice to be in the loop. I'm tired of not knowing anything._

"I'm only the secretary! I can't even fight decently, the most I do is stick a taser in people," Tsuna argues feebly. Kyouya looks speculative when he announces this, and Tsuna feels dread creeping up his spine. Hopefully, he doesn't regret saying that later.

Who is he kidding, of course he will. Best case scenario is Kyouya beating the shit out of him with the excuse of "I won't have such an herbivore for a brother."

"Your brother is being trained as the Vongola Decimo. Translated to Japanese, it means Vongola Tenth. Vongola is the oldest and best mafia family out there, Sawada Ienari is the successor to the throne, you might say. Recently, the Varia, another mafia group, have come up, saying that their boss deserves to lead. Hence, the Ring Battles. The winner, as you might guess, gets the spot. There are seven different types of Flames; Sky, Storm, Rain, Sun, Lightning, Cloud, and Mist. Everyone has one of these as their primary Flame. The Guardians guard the boss, there's usually one of each Flame for Guardians. Hibari, over there, has the Cloud Flames. We need him to be part of the Vongola Famiglia so Ienari can have a better chance at winning. Any questions?"

"U-um," Tsuna stutters. _So the whole thing with Pineapples and Ienari on fire has to with this? And that cow child has these Flames too? ...That would also explain a lot about Mukuro's fancy shenanigans, though._

Reborn sighs. "You really are Dame-Tsuna, aren't you?" Tsuna stays silent. "Hibari Miyu can tell you more if you have anymore questions."

"Miyu-san?" he asks incredulously. He swivels his head and sees Miyu wave at him calmly.

"Yes. She was a former assassin, you know. Quite a successful one as well."

"WHAT."

Miyu blushes prettily and says, "Oh, you flatter me too much. I'm nothing compared to you, Mr. Arcobaleno." Tsuna isn't sure whether to be disturbed that a Hibari is flirting with a baby or continue being confused. He manages to display an expression that shows disturbance and confusion at the same time. Confubance. Confubbles.

"You will be involved in the mafia, one way or the other," Reborn warns, whether to Kyouya or Tsuna, he doesn't know, but it's ominous nonetheless. And then he leaps out the open window, a hand clutching onto the black fedora with that creepy chameleon.

Tsuna turns to Kyouya. "Aniki," he starts before noticing that Kyouya had escaped through the window as well. He lets out a heavy sigh. Miyu only giggles and asks him to clear the table.

He manages to break two plates. He wasn't called Dame-Tsuna for nothing after all, and the strange encounter had shaken his nerves up even more than usual.

Tsuna wonders what had done in his previous life for him to deserve this. Maybe he kicked a kitten.

XXXXXXXXXX

Things did not go to normal. For one, Reborn showed up every night to offer Kyouya the position of a Guardian, who refused every time. Naturally, this made Mukuro start annoying his brother even more than usual, saying that _look, you're a celebrity, Kyou-chan!_

Gokudera Hayato also had taken to threatening Kyouya to "accept it so Ienari-san can be the Boss! God knows he needs the extra help and the money I'm making for being Ienari-san's Storm Guardian is pretty nice and I don't want that to stop anytime soon!" or something along those lines. Tsuna had always thought that Ienari's and Gokudera's relationship seemed slightly forced.

Speak of the devil. Ienari swaggered (Tsuna kid you not, he _swaggered)_ down the street Tsuna is currently walking on. He is flanked by Gokudera and Mochida. Ienari is pretty tall for his age. He towers over Tsuna by more than a foot. He has blond hair that he presumably inherited from their good-for-nothing dad and dark brown eyes. He is better built than Tsuna, who looks like he could be a ballerina. (Nana tried to sign him up for ballet lessons once because of this, saying that he would get more graceful. The plan failed spectacularly.)

"Yo, Dame-Tsuna!" Ienari greets, loud and annoying. Tsuna picks up his speed, but Ienari keeps up easily, Gokudera and Mochida trailing behind him. "Still mooching off the Hibari?" _Ignore him, ignore him, pretend he's a fly- maybe not, now I want to smack him. Not that I'll be able to work up the courage._ "Don't ignore me!"

Tsuna breaks out running, throwing away his digni- well, he never really had any in the first place. So he just runs. He feels a hand wrapping around his stick arm and yank him back. Ienari leers at him unpleasantly. Gokudera looks like he desperately wants to jump in but settles for glaring impressively at Ienari. "Think you can run away?" Tsuna mumbles. "What was that?"

He lashes out with his foot, kicking Ienari where the sun doesn't shine. Ienari keels over, groaning in pain. Mochida rushes to his side while Gokudera winced in sympathy.

Chuck Norris had nothing on him.

* * *

 **A/N:** Because no matter what universe Tsuna is in, Reborn will always, _always_ torture him psychologically, if not physcially. This isn't an entirely serious fanfic, so don't expect well-thought out chapters ahaha.


	4. Chapter 4

Things did not go to normal. For one, Reborn showed up every night to offer Kyouya the position of a Guardian, who refused every time. Naturally, this made Mukuro start annoying his brother even more than usual, saying _look, you're a celebrity, Kyou-chan!_

Gokudera Hayato also had taken to threatening Kyouya to "accept it so Ienari-san can be the Boss! God knows he needs the extra help and the money I'm making for being Ienari-san's Storm Guardian is pretty nice and I don't want that to stop anytime soon!" or something along those lines. Tsuna had always thought that Ienari's and Gokudera's relationship seemed slightly forced.

Speak of the devil. Ienari swaggered (Tsuna kid you not, he _swaggered)_ down the street Tsuna is currently walking on. He is flanked by Gokudera and Mochida. Ienari is pretty tall for his age. He towers over Tsuna by more than a foot. He has blond hair that he presumably inherited from their good-for-nothing dad and dark brown eyes. He is better built than Tsuna, who looks like he could be a ballerina. (Nana tried to sign him up for ballet lessons once because of this, saying that he would get more graceful. The plan failed spectacularly.)

"Yo, Dame-Tsuna!" Ienari greets, loud and annoying. Tsuna picks up his speed, but Ienari keeps up easily, Gokudera and Mochida trailing behind him. "Still mooching off the Hibari?" _Ignore him, ignore him, pretend he's a fly- maybe not, now I want to smack him. Not that I'll be able to work up the courage._ "Don't ignore me!"

Tsuna breaks out running, throwing away his digni- well, he never really had any in the first place. So he just runs. He feels a hand wrapping around his stick arm and yank him back. Ienari leers at him unpleasantly. Gokudera looks like he desperately wants to jump in but settles for glaring impressively at Ienari. "Think you can run away?" Tsuna mumbles. "What was that?"

He lashes out with his foot, kicking Ienari where the sun doesn't shine. Ienari keels over, groaning in pain. Mochida rushes to his side while Gokudera winced in sympathy.

Chuck Norris had nothing on him.

XXXXXXXXXX

Being in the Disciplinary Committee gave him certain privileges. Such as skipping class. It isn't like attending classes would help him with his short attention span (it was so _noisy_ in classrooms, he can't understand how others bear it), so Tsuna asks Miyu to tutor him at home. In that free time, Tsuna had plenty of time to fill out paperwork in the reception office, most of which are comprised of damage reports and repair bills. Privately, Tsuna thinks that Kyouya himself causes around forty-five percent of the damage, but he isn't suicidal enough to say that out loud.

Tsuna looks up when a knock resounds. "Come in!" he calls before instantly regretting it. Standing before him is the strangest group of people he had ever seen. One of them is a hooded baby; he(?) gave off a similar aura to Reborn. Another is a multi-colored-haired man with an orange boa. Tsuna gulps and sends a silent prayer to God before asking, "How m-may I help you?"

"...You aren't Hibari Kyouya," the scarred man says after an awkward silence.

"I'm Hibari Tsunayoshi, Kyouya's my brother," Tsuna says (and it still feels weird to call himself a Hibari even though it's been five years). This causes murmuring among the group.

"The trash at the office told me he would be here," Silver-hair barks irritably.

"The...trash? I'm sorry, but our garbage can't talk, they prefer to stay in the trash cans," Tsuna says carefully, wondering if they escaped from a mental institution. Silver-hair turns red, seemingly speechless.

"He means the teacher, dear," cooes Rainbow-hair. "Squ-chan can't really speak normally, you know?

"Sure…If you want to find Aniki, you might want to check the school roof. He's usually there around lunch time."

"Thanks, you're such a darling!" Rainbow-hair flounces out of the room. "Let's go~!" The rest file out the door quickly with minimal talking. Tsuna wonders what that was all about, but decides he really doesn't want to know.

XXXXXXXXXX

Tsuna frantically scrounges through his room for his lucky pencil. To be more specific, the one that Kyouya had given him for his first birthday at the Hibari household. He groans loudly when he realizes that he probably left it at school. He sneaks a peek at the clock. Eight o'clock. _Well, I can still drop by,_ Tsuna reasons. _I do have the key to the school, after all._

 _Twenty minutes later_

Tsuna dazedly stares at flashing tonfas striking against a fly-headed machine...thing. It looks like something that came out of an American horror movies, to be honest. Tsuna starts to wail and bangs his head against the brick wall. "Why does these things always happen to me!" he sobs miserably. He swears that he can hear God laughing at him from up above. Tsuna ducks instinctively ( _how?_ ) as a bullet almost nicks his ear. Wide-eyed, he sinks down with his back to the wall.

 _You know what,_ he decides. _I'll just wait until this is over to get my pencil. Better yet, why don't I just go back home._ Of course, his legs rebel against him and stay paralyzed. _Of course._ Just when he had thought it couldn't get worse. As if the universe was actively trying to prove him wrong, the machine suddenly turns around and fixes its eyes(?) on his quivering body. Tsuna groans and isn't even surprised when a wave of bullets comes his way.

That doesn't mean he isn't scared out of his wits, though.

Kyouya darts to his side and hauls him out of harm's way. It's time like this that Tsuna can't decide whether to view him as an angel sent from heaven or Satan's grandchild. Probably a combination of both.

" _You_ ," Kyouya says ominously. Tsuna can almost see the waves of doom radiating off him. Farther away, Gokudera yells, " _Tsuna-sama!_ " while Yamamoto asks confusedly, "Isn't he in my class?" _Yes, Yamamoto-san,_ Tsuna thinks somewhat sardonically. _And I've been in your class for the past six years._

"A-Aniki," Tsuna responds with a hint of despair. "I...forgot my pencil and I really need it because it's lucky and all and you know, it's the one you got me for my birthday! I really like it and I thought I wouldn't be able to get anything done without it and-and so I thought that I should just go over and get it really quick but then I saw this happening and-"

"Rambling is for herbivores," Kyouya intones.

"I'm a bunny," he says grimly. "You can't get more herbivorous than that."

"Uh, hello?" shouts Ienari the butthead. "You're supposed to be fighting!"

Kyouya glares icily at the blond. "Make no mistake, I am not fighting for you. I am fighting to protect Namimori." Ienari looks a little cowed and draws back. As if to spite him, Kyouya tucks his tonfas back into his...where does he put them? Hammerspace? Tsuna mentally puts that on the growing list titled, "Things that I Don't Understand."

"We have an agreement." Reborn _pirouettes_ (what the hell?) onto Tsuna's hair and daintily pats down his pink tutu. "Do this and your family will be safe."

 _Wait a minute. Someone is actually threatening Hibari Kyouya and isn't getting maimed for it? And...oh dear God, why am I always caught up in these things._ "No," Tsuna says out loud. "That is not okay. You don't just say that, that's called being a giant douchebag. Like, Ienari level." He ignores Ienari's squawk of anger. "Ow! Did you just hit my head with a hammer?!"

"Of course not, what are you talking about?" Reborn replies mildly. Tsuna mentally dubs him as the Douchebag, complete with a capital D. It's kind of amazing. Even Ienari only gets a douche in parentheses whenever he refers to him in his mind.

Two ladies with pink hair materialize in front of them. "You are interfering with the battle. You will only get one warning. Leave."

Tsuna swivels his head at the fly-headed machine. "Holy shit. There's a person in there." Kyouya whacks him on the head for language. "Ow!"

The sisters(?) look startled. "Excuse me?"

"Ah, well, um-" He flails his hands wildly, before saying meekly, "...intuition?" Heads swivel to look at him disbelievingly. Ienari snorts while Reborn looks suspiciously at the machine. Kyouya just...stares. Tsuna kind of fidgets awkwardly before rushing out an apology and fleeing from the scene.

He never did get his pencil back.

(The next morning, Tsuna laughs hysterically after Gokudera informs him over the phone that the Vongola Ninth had been found buried in the machine's chest.)

* * *

 **A/N:** So, um...this is basically it. I never actually properly read the entire series of KHR although I love it to bits. I'm marking this story as complete for now, but I'll probably dabble in writing a few drabbles for "In Which Tsuna Wonders Why This is His Life." Ha. Dabble. Drabble.

...

Anyways, thanks for reading and keep an eye out for random plot bunnies!


	5. Sides

Tsuna remembers a certain period of time where he would find lettuce on his pillow. It was confusing, to say the least. Sometimes, he would even find carrots and corn in a small dish. Tsuna was pretty sure it wasn't a robber or a bully unless their ultimate goal was to confuse him horribly. If it was, they succeeded.

One day, he worked up the courage to ask Miyu for help. "Hibari-san," Tsuna asked, carefully holding the food in question. "What is this?"

Miyu blinked at him. "Lettuce. And I told you to call me Miyu, you silly little thing!"

"Well, I _know_ that! But why do I get this kind of stuff every night! I'm getting tired of getting lettuce in my hair every time I try to sleep!"

"Why don't you ask Kyou-chan?" Miyu said airily. "I'm sure he knows what's going on. He's reliable like that!"

So he did.

Kyouya stared at Tsuna unnervingly. "That's food."

"Y-yes," Tsuna agreed.

"Bunnies need nutrition to survive."

"Yes..?" Exactly when did rabbits enter the equation? Was Kyouya, in his own antisocial way, trying to tell him that he wanted one? Because if so, Tsuna had no problem with it. Except if it tried using his bed as its personal litter box. _Then_ there was a problem.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Kyouya's stare intensified even further (he didn't even know that was possible!). "You are a bunny. Therefore, you need to be taken care of," Kyouya said slowly, as if educating a very simple creature.

Tsuna gave him a flat look. "I'm human." All that accomplished was Kyouya looking at him like he was crazy. Which he wasn't. Tsuna was the sanest person he knew.

...That was pretty sad once you thought about it.

"U-um, could you stop glaring at me?"

Kyouya snorted dismissively. Tsuna took that as a cue to leave and walked out the door.

XXXXXXXXXX

It turns out that not even Tsuna can avoid school forever. Which is why Gokudera is currently in his room pointing to a whiteboard (generated from hammerspace) filled with complicated equations and colorful graphs. Tsuna buries his face into his hands, emitting a small shriek of pain. It felt like his brain was exploding into tiny pieces as Gokudera rambles on about science-y things he can never hope to understand. "H-Hayato-san?" he says into his arms.

"Did you say something?"

"This material is, um, a little too-"

"Is it too easy? As expected of Tsuna-sama, you excel in everything!" _...Does this guy live under a rock? Doesn't he know I used to be called Dame-Tsuna?_

"Actually, I can't even understand what you're saying," Tsuna confesses bluntly.

Gokudera looks like an arrow pierced his heart and collapses dramatically to the ground. "A-am I not good enough for you?" he cries, clutching his chest.

"Don't say it like that!" he says panickedly. _It sounds like some type of soap opera!_ "You're a perfectly fine tutor! I'm just not that smart, that's all!"

The silver-haired teenager looks up at him through wet eyelashes. Tsuna regards him carefully, praying that he wouldn't burst into tears or something. Because that would be _awkward_. He decides to blurt out the excuse of "going to restock on cookies, I'll be right back!" and rushes out the door like there was fire licking at his heels.

" _Tsuna-sama!_ "

XXXXXXXXXX

Tsuna knows that babies can't usually talk or shoot guns with pinpoint accuracy, much less saying regularly that they're the best hitman in the world. He wonders who Reborn's mother is and exactly how irresponsible she is to let her son run around spouting things about the underworld.

Then again, the thought of Reborn having a mother is terrifying. Tsuna shivers.

Anyways, Tsuna doesn't think that Reborn is normal, considering how his intuition blares like a siren every time the baby plops down on his hair. Which is getting seriously annoying. But he doesn't say anything; he doesn't want a bullet put through his head because Tsuna _knows_ that the threat isn't a joke.

Maybe Reborn's an adult cursed to look like a baby?

Tsuna laughs at his imagination. As if such a thing was possible.

* * *

 **A/N:** I was digging through my old files and found this, so here you go! /throws confetti everywhere.  
It's pretty cringey as I wrote it a pretty long time ago, but maybe some people will like it. Who knows.


End file.
